Sunday, January 22, 1984

My life is somewhat boring, although not as much as it would be to many other people, because I am an only child and know how to amuse myself. Without money to go anywhere or to do anything, I am rather stuck here, although at times, it is a self-imposed reclusiveness. It is rather amazing to see myself saying these things, because I am attractive for my age. Maybe I'll try socializing more. My best friend moved west, so, I am more isolated than I have been previously. I do have a friend in a nearby city, but he has changed shifts where he works, so, I don't talk to him much anymore. Since I've mastered the art of Chinese Sechwan and Hunan cooking, I need to invite someone with a wok for dinner, since I don't have one. It's difficult to go out socially, because I don't want to leave Mom alone much, and I don't enjoy going out a lot either. Maybe I'm using Mom as an excuse for not going out, but finances are in dire straits also. I really do enjoy being a 'housewife'. In the winter I love cleaning the house, cooking and reading. In the summer I love swimming, gardening and cooking outside. I even enjoy mowing the lawn, cleaning the pool, canning, refinishing furniture and fixing things. I have never wanted to work outside my home, but other things were more intolerable to me, for example: starvation. I dread the day when I must go back out into the world to make a living, but that day must come. Maybe it's kind of dull here, because there's no one around to instantly make me mad, example: Love. I guess I'm missing him. He called today and we talked for a long time. He doesn't own a wok, nor does he appreciate Chinese cooking. His tastes are very unsophisticated! He likes nicely swept dirt floors, conventional marttresses, hulling walnuts, meat and potatoes, lewd, crude and socially unacceptable movies, TV, westerns and comedies. country-western music, flashy cars, beer and me.

I personally shy away from good-looking men, and assume that many men have shied away from me for the same reason. although it might be for the opposite reason, not good-looking enough. I would have shied away from Love when I met him, if he had looked the way he does now. Love has completely changed his public image since we met. He used to look like a hillbilly truck driver, but now he looks like a confident executive, playing at being casual. Although he is a gorgeous arm trophy, he sill has the hillbilly truck-driver, mental attitudes.

Good looks have always been more of a handicap than a benefit to me. Actually I'm quite shy, and the added attention that I have gotten through the years has not only embarrassed me immensely, but others at times too. I've had to force myself to have a public image totally unlike my private life. I have also been discriminated against in certain jobs. In my market research job, I was stuck in the mall, which I disliked, instead of the better paying, free-wheeling, field researcher, that would have better suited my personality. In my other profession, I was constantly in the public eye, simply because I was hired for my looks most of the time, and had to develop a public personality to keep my job. People do assume that a blonde is dumb.