Friday, January 20, 1984

Mother is terrific today! She is totally together and has even flushed the toilet herself. These days come and go. Last night she was at her worst and took a sheet of writing paper, put it in the middle of her bedroom floor, and used it as a toilet. Naturally, I cleaned it and her up. A few days ago she used a large brandy snifter, that is filled with sea shells and used for ornamental purposes in my bathroom, for a toilet. She also tries to use the wastebasket in her bedroom and the bathroom. I was shampooing the carpet in her room every other day, but have relaxed my standards to once a week with my other heavy cleaning. Fortunately, I own my own shampooer, because I couldn't afford to rent one very often. It seems like her best days always follow a siege of bad days. Soon she'll start going downhill again. It's difficult to get her to exercise on her bad days, but she gets around and exercises herself on her good days. Summer will improve the exercise situation, because she will walk around the yard to see all my trees, plants and garden, without much prodding, even on bad days. Ditto, when she's at her own house. Exercise is crucial, but her paranoid schizophrenia complicates everything. She is always calm and relaxed, now, in marked contrast with three or four years ago, thanks to a nearby hospital psychiatrist and the anti psychotic medicine he prescribed. She actually sat through a dental appointment to be fitted for new upper dentures and a bottom partial plate, and doesn't chew her nails anymore. She had all of her upper teeth pulled, because she couldn't handle going to dentists for fillings and she chewed her fingernails into the quick. I knew that for years she had seen and heard things that weren't there, and that she believed things that couldn't possibly be correct, but I wasn't prepared for the severity of the problem. I had thought that these were occasional problems, not everyday problems. I realized with a couple of days that she was trippingout every day, and at various times during the day and night. Somehow she could always pull herself together mentally if someone came by, if she was invited somewhere or if someone phoned or stopped by to visit. She also could get herself together to got o her doctor's appointments. Eventually she became convinced that I was trying to kill her, her doctor was trying to poison her, and the neighbors were harassing her and trying to hurt her. She refused to go back to her doctor, started attacking my physically, and chronically called the police about me and her neighbors. She hired a new doctor, who aided and abetted her schizophrenia, by refusing to follow her previous doctor's plans to give her an anti psychotic medicine, and when she was calm after several weeks on medication, to get her to go to the hospital for tests. Her new doctor even refused to tell me her physical condition. I moved out after great emotional suffering and monetary cost, and of cource, her condition got worse, and worse, and worse. Then my child moved in with her for one month only and my mother scared my grandchildren. Finally the police began calling me about her at various times of the day and night, but my hands were tied because of her new doctor. The end result was - over three years later, her physician finally made arrangements for a psychiatric examination by the local mental health agency. She was hospitalized and given medication. My child and I haven't spoken recently, because of this nightmare, and may never again. For at least three years, Mom lived in a prison of her own mind, much worse than any prison I can imagine, and alienated everyone involved, from her and each other, the things dearest to her. She may never see her grandchild or great grandchildren again.