Friday, February 24, 1984

Mom is dying of congestive heart failure. I notified my child. Mom is not expected to live over a few days, if that long. She is totally comatose now. Her tongue was black when I was at the hospital last night. She was having such a hard time breathing and was perspiring profusely. Her heart was beating so hard that her chest heaved with each heart beat. I talk to her and a tear rolled out of each closed eye. I think she knew I was there, but there wasn't any response from her today. Diane came over just before I went to the hospital, and while I was gone, she washed the dishes, made the bed and just generally cleaned my house. When I got home, she called Don, her husband, and he picked up a pizza for all of us. She is so sweet and considerate. She asked me privately if Don and her split up, could she move in with me. I told her of course, but that they should try marriage counseling first.

My Love's family hasn't ever called, except about money and has never asked if there was anything of his I would want. How heartless!

Cilco has gotten another rate increase. I don't believe it! The word blood-suckers came to mind yesterday, before the increase was announced, although blood-suckers today isn't strong enough language. It echos in my mind today, in relation to the Commerce Commission, and in a vague way to government itself.

My female dog is absolutely no trouble, always comes when called, insists on sleeping with me and curls up beside me at every opportunity. Because she is such a sweet and perfect dog, I tend to overlook her and lavish more attention on my male dog. Although apparent to everyone, she needs my attention the most. I find a correlation between my perfect dog and children in
general. Many 'perfect' children are overlooked, while we try to be understanding of the unruly ones who need our attention all the time.

Nothing is done without selfishness, whether intended or not. If I could pay off my neighbor's houses, I would reap the rewards, because eventually someone would figure out who paid them off, and I would be ministered to for the rest of my life by my neighbors. It is wonderful to think that anonymity is possible, but not possible on this earth.

When I die, I will be greeted by Dad, Mom and Love. Mom was always religious, so, she has an automatic admission to heaven. Love was not a non-believer, so, he is admitted to heaven. Dad was an Athiest and is in his own hell, and I don't have to go to hell, because I'm an agnostic, but have volunteered to take Dad's place in his hell. Love is naturally excluded, because he is not a blood-relative, but because he loves me and doesn't want to see me go to Dad's hell, he volunteers to take my place. Mom feels terrible that she may have caused my Dad to become an Athiest and she insists on going to Dad's hell, in place of Love, in place of me, in place of Dad. Dad, seeing what has happened and knowing that he has stood his own hell until now, refuses to stay in heaven any longer and insists on being sent back to his own hell to serve his own term there. Love Dad, Mom and I have a 'donnybrook' over who is to be the privileged person to go to Dad's hell. When my child dies, and my grandchildren, the same scenario unfolds. All things are possible. A typical Saturday night family argument.

My child called, wants a divorce, and wants to go to school to become a nurse. I have been very frustrated with my child, because for four years, I haven't had any help at all with Mother. Being an only child, I have always known that I would have to take care of one of my parents, after the other one died. I always hoped it would be Dad that would need my help, because we were pretty much on the same wave length. When I needed help getting Mother to a good doctor, no one was available, not my child or her spouse, nor Mother's family or my child's spouse's family. No one cared! I tried to get help at the local mental health clinic and was literally given a pat on the hand by an elderly woman counselor, who told me "everything will work out". I tried a $15.00 lawyer, and she was no help at all. All she could tell me was "Get married". Her new doctor wouldn't follow her previous doctor's attempts to get her medicated and calmed down. After eight months of trying to live with her, a married couple I knew, helped me find a full-time job, and I was able to get the hell away from Mother, but unfortunately, I was hurt on the job and got laid-off.