Friday, March 2, 1984

I've dreamed I'm with the man I'm eventually going to marry.  We're in my living room.  I'm trying to explain to him that I'm upset.  His hair is dark brown and his eyes are brown or dark hazel: they're not exceptional and he doesn't have really long eyelashes or anything.  His face looks like it's pox-marked from acne or chicken pox when he was young.  He looks my age, forty or so, but in a tired way.  His eyebrows are thick and unkempt: they aren't arched, but more of a straight line sloping downward.  His nose is long; shaped more like Presidential Candidate Walter Mondale's nose, but much thinner.  He is dressed in a checkered, flannel shirt, paired with everyday black slacks.  He is very tall, at least 6'1", maybe taller, and he is lanky, very long limbed and quite thin, the tall thin type like Skip Stevenson of the TV show 'That's Incredible'.  He has collar length hair, which is somewhat disheveled, and a medium length beard that appears somewhat scraggly, as if it needs a trim.  His beard isn't nearly as thick as the other men I've known.  He works in a lumberyard, and doesn't make a lot of money, although he works tremendously long hours and he seems very tired.  As I look at him, I am wondering what it is about him that attracted me, because he isn't physically the type of man that I would look twice at.  He isn't outstanding looking in any way to me, and is maybe even a little bit hunch-backed.  I'm wondering what it will be like after we're married.  I know that I will marry him because he makes me feel so safe and secure, and he's the most gentle and understanding person I've ever known.  He has already tried to get me to go to sleep in his arms and has held me spoon-fashioned, but I've been unable to sleep, because I'm afraid of dying.  I'm agitated and trying to explain how I feel.  He is lying on his back now, in bed, and is trying to go to sleep, but I am still talking to him about my irrational fears, even though I have already kept him up half the night, and he has to go to work tomorrow.  He is so calm, self-assured, nonchalant and other-worldly, as if he knows something that I don't know.  I know that even though I am not married to him yet, I can say what's on my mind, and he'll listen to me when I need to talk.  He just looked at me, with "the look" that means relax, I'll be with you, and he said "Shhhhhhhhh, you're so scared", very softly and reassuringly.  He is so amazing, he looks the derelict type, but he is the only one who has ever been able to erase my fears with one sentence before.