Love's family wants to bury him in the family plot. Unless some written instructions are brought forward, his family will have their way. I had always planned on burying him with me when I die, because he told me that was what he wanted, but did he tell anyone else? What I want is not exactly the standard way of doing things.
Mom is the same. She is still running a temperature. She will take liquids, but not solid food. The nurse told me that most likely she will be all right.
I looked at myself in the mirrow today and I looked horrible. I took a bath and got cleaned up, which I haven't felt like doing since Friday.
I called Cilco and arranged to mail the payment. I made an appointment to get a muffler tomorrow.
I feel like a zombie, and all the people around me appear very animated. How will I ever pick up the pieces? Due to Love's heart problems, closeness became impossible, for him and me.
Before the constant threat of death, we had been inseparable, although he always drove me bananas in some ways. He really was everything that I've ever wanted in a man. He was a homebody, liked timkering around the house, was a great socializer, had a terrific personality, and made life very interesting for me. I was very proud of the way he dressed, looked and acted around people. He was terrific with Mom and helped his own family, when he could. Who could want more? Both Love and I withdrew from each other emotionally after we realized the seriousness of his heart problems. Unfortunately for Love, when he need me, I was not there. I felt I had to distance myself emotionally from Love to save my sanity, in case he did die. Love , towards the end, did the same thing, withdrew physically and emotionally from me. We both knew what was happening and why, talked often about the future, but always in reference to after the surgery. I know that I am going to go through all the stages of idolizing Love, hating his guts for leaving me, depression, manic-depressive episodes and finally, acceptance, and an attempt at a new life. It's already started: I'm wondering how I can possibly keep this place up this summer without Love helping me, although I've done it many other years, but always before I had employment.
My phone bill is going to be enormous with the calls to the veteran's hospitals, other hospitals, relatives, friends. etc. I don't know how I am going to pay for it. I don't think I'll worry about it right now.
My appetite is zero, and I'm beginning the long mourning process again. As my neighbor said "This is the first time you've lost one this way". The mourning process is the same anyway. I think it would be easier than divorce. I'll know where Love is twnety-four hours a day, seven days a week, three-hundred and sixty-five days a year, every year for the rest of my life. Somehow, It's strangely comforting.
